When people asked me what my favourite colour was, I got puzzled by the question, because honestly, I didn’t, and still don’t know the answer. My younger self would answer with Orange, or anything but Pink, but I remember I changed it to Blue a few months after I said Orange was my favourite colour. And now I wear Black mostly because it goes very well with my new boots, but Black is not my favourite colour.
Favourite; IPA: /ˈfeɪv.ɹɪt/
(Adjective) favourite (not comparable) (Britain, Canada, Australia, Ireland, New Zealand, Malta, South Africa)
A. Preferred or liked above all others (unless qualified)
[This is my second favourite occupation].
B. Belonging to a category whose members are all preferred or liked over nonmembers.
[I just saw a movie with all my favourite actors in it].
Yes, I like some things slightly better than others, but to call it a favourite would be an exaggeration. Like how I would prefer the pastel colours to neon ones, but that doesn’t mean pastel colours are my favourite colours. Or how I would prefer to eat broccoli over bean sprouts, but it is not my favourite food, because I don’t have a favourite food. I don’t like a certain food enough to be able to eat it with enthusiasm everytime I eat it, but I can tolerate certain foods enough to eat everyday without getting sick of it, like sunny side eggs for example, but to say that it is my favourite food would be… incorrect? I guess.
I don’t think I am capable of loving anything or anyone to the fullest, neither do I fully comprehend the meaning behind the word ‘favourite’. Am I a fraud? Am I shallow? Am I a cold-hearted bitch?
It has come to my attention that I will always forget my feelings about certain things and certain person. It takes me quite a while to forget painful memories but eventually the memory gets blurrier and blurrier over time, leaving me with a faded version of the tragedy. I have to be constantly exposed to something for it to be able to print a firm memory inside my head, and even then, my feelings would still change in the end. Is it how my brain protects me from getting hurt?
Two years ago I met someone that I had really strong feelings for, and the feelings were reciprocated but a year ago everything went down the drain. It was really heartbreaking and I thought I would never heal from the pain, but now, looking back, I didn’t even feel the hurt anymore, it just….. wasn’t there. I mean how is it possible? Whenever I look back at some of my old painful experiences, I just don’t feel hurt anymore, could it be because I have healed? Or I got over it without ever trying to heal from it? Or is it just my brain trying to distract me from the pain by pretending everything’s all fine now? How could I feel deeply one moment, and not feel anything at all later on?
But I guess I’m not the only one feeling this way, because people move on, feelings fade, and skin cells renew themselves every 27 days and perhaps it’s only normal to feel this way. Maybe it’s okay to live in the middle, constantly tiptoeing between feeling fervently and not feeling anything at all.
